Satirical fiction: Overpowered – Ch2 – Destination Hell’s Saloon

Overpowered – Phase One

by S. A. Ward

Chapter Two – Destination Hell’s Saloon

They were on route via the interstate, Adrenaline by Zeds Dead played in the background. All windows were down as they cascaded across the stone network. Amidst their drive there were several areas where masses of people protested or caused unrest from the rising world powers’ tension. It seemed as though there was potential for riots to come into fruition. Upon being about fifteen minutes away from their destination Sean was spontaneously plunged into laughter. 

“President Trump tweeted this 28 minutes ago in response to Justin Trudeau, ‘No one has nukes like me, I have the best nukes. Mine are top shelf, world class okay. Mushroom clouds like you’ve never seen before, trust me, they are beyond Bigly. Do NOT tempt me, because I will nuke Canada into Galvanized Obliteration.’ And everyone is saying, ‘#No balls,’ on the internet. What the fuck bahahaha. There’s no way he’s going to do it.” 

“Doubt he will, but it is just Canada, the world will be fine.” Said Kent, not showing much concern over the situation. 

Sage chortled at the lackluster possibility of losing Canada, “their poutine recipes are already in the world’s hands, they are indeed expendable.” 

Thad gripped the steering wheel with one hand and made quick glances at his friends, “The Trailer Park Boys and Letter Kenny crew already immigrated to the US, so we won’t lose those two gems.” 

“Oooh, didn’t know that they are now even more expendable.” 

Kent continued to sneer Trudeau, “The most important factor is we’ll finally be rid of that secret squirrel sex slave fucker.”

All of them let out a hearty laugh, but most particularly Sean, “one can only dream, he is without a doubt the PC antichrist.”

They pulled into Hell’s Saloon. The building had a red tinned roof. A black awning casted over the entrance and had flames printed upon the fabric. The shrubbery was trimmed in the shape of flames. They were lined along the outside perimeter. Out near the road was a digital sign saying, “Welcome to Hell’s Saloon” which had a digitized fiery blaze and next to it resided a cartoonish devil. After taking several steps away from their car a piercing sound consumed the surrounding area. They weren’t jets, their reverberation hammered the ground. What appeared to be high projectile missiles soared over the city. A barrage of nuclear warheads was headed straight for Canada. Zero by Atomize played on the Saloon’s outdoor speakers. The brief reverberation was equivalent to that if a lactose intolerant person was force fed copious amounts of dairy and was a stone throw away. The raw electrifying energy could be felt in the air. One could see that destruction had been unshackled from the deep bellowing depths of Helheim. The face of war had been called upon once again. Kent and his friends stood in astonishment at what they were seeing. 

Sean murmured, “no way…” 

Sage surged to take out her phone and went to Trump’s Twitter page. “Trump just tweeted, ‘Git Rekt Bitch.’ oh lanta he actually did it!” 

With haste they darted into the Saloon. The interior had a theme that seemed to embrace death with selective year round Halloween decor. Less than a handful of people were present, aside from a solitary figure at the bar wearing a flared red jacket. This man of mystery turned around and set his gaze upon themperfect, , “just on time.”

This gent came off as quite the enigma. His hair was slicked back, trimmed short on the sides and had a long goatee. He was wearing small circular steampunk style glasses that had lenses just large enough to cover his eyes.

“Presuming you are Slade, what the fuck is happening? Also will I get my own personal moose?” Kent asked frantically, seeking out answers to this maverick circumstance.

“Nuclear Holocaust and your ascension, the moose, we’ll see. Now follow me, the Oasis of Transcendence is down below.” They were hesitant, but chose to follow Slade, “lock the place up Jev.” 

While walking through the kitchen and supply areas Kent continued his line of questioning,

“Yeaahh, about ascension, will I gain superhuman abilities?” 

He was more serious than a stone-cold testicle on Mt Everest, “Yup, you will be able to shoot high velocity mayonnaise out of your eyes.” 

Thad let out a chuckle, “that would be ill!” 

“Definitely would be deliciously hilarious, but for real haha?” Kent questioned the absurd notion.

Slade was adamant over his statement and continued to double down, leaving them confused, “Not kidding, you have the choice between six of thirty-six different abilities and optical mayonnaise is one of them.” 

Sage shook her head side to side in disbelief, “I just can’t even…” 

“My troll radar is off the charts right now, think you may have met your match Kent,” Sean remarked.

He squinted and eyed down Slade, “Yeeaah, we’ll see if he’s up to snuff.” 

As they approached a walk-in refrigerator, Slade said, “Give me some space.” 

Out of the blue he began a complex tap dance sequence leaving them all even more confused. An electronic beep sounded off and a computer monitor descended from the ceiling. The monitor did a facial and pulse scan, which unlocked the secret passage. Floor panels moved aside, unveiling an underground hallway that was structured with metal paneling and minimal lighting fixtures on the ceiling. One could see this was leading to an elevator. 

Beneath his breath Kent said, “sick,” he continued on, “soooo, how do you know my father exactly?”

His sly demeanor persisted, briefly glancing at them like a dude so cool that he only does threesomes, “We became acquainted in our college days and I think now would be a good time to drop some knowledge on you. We’re members within a secret militia society known as Xodirev. Your father is a member of the high council.” 

“What the fuck? No way man, this day just keeps getting stranger and stranger.” 

They filed into the modern and spacious elevator. There were several different dials and flat press buttons on a common interface panel. Slade pressed a button labeled 25 and the song Puca by Godreran started to play. Their descent into the foreign underground of Hell began.

Sage had a feeling of apprehension and posed a question, “is this organization like a cult society?” 

“Yeah, we’re all basically religious zealots warpathing on the omnicide of humanity. You’re actually our final human sacrifices to finalize the summoning ritual of our God called Noz and his chosen disciple Cardi B is our leader.” 

All of them looked at him with disdain. Sean unholstered his gun and Sage stomped her right foot, releasing the steel spikes. 

“Probably not a wise thing to say while in an elevator with us,” she said.

Slade declared, “Relax, it was just a joke, we’re not religious or spiritual fanatics. Our ideals orient around science, fundamental truth, and the liberation of humanity. All will make sense soon I assure you.” 

They reluctantly lowered their guards but were still alert to any change that may arise. Sean stowed his firearm and Sage stomped her foot, causing the spikes to retract. 

“Kent you unknowingly have the mark of Feldrov. This will allow you to absorb the power of Xrodulian’s Volition. Enabling you to use a wide range of super abilities.”

This left Kent to be confused and made him question the fundamental foundation of his reality, “Really? The F shaped birthmark on my ass?”


“What the colossal fuck, my mind just keeps getting more and more blown, when will it cease? This is a celestial sized mind fuck man.”

A cynical grin lit up across Slade’s face, “the mind fucking shall never cease! You must undergo a series of tests and if you pass. I’ve been told that you should inquire about transmuting the abilities into objects, so your friends here don’t have to miss out on all the fun.”

Sage interrupted him, “Wait!? We all get metal abilities!?” Before he even had a chance to finish Sage’s eyes were already engulfed in happiness and gave a little side to side shuffle dance. 

Slade resumed, “As I was saying, I was informed that Kent is allowed to choose four individuals to aid him on his quest and yes, abilities are on the table, but will most likely come with a set of terms.” 

All of them started to celebrate in bliss over the news. Thad registered that they were a person short and couldn’t help but laugh, “This means the chosen one gets to pick his own chosen one?”

“Yes, It seems to be that way.”

Sean posed a question of his own, “what needs to be done so we can secure the goods?”

“All answers will come with due time, be patient.”

     The elevator came to a stop and its door hissed open revealing a serene granite atrium. It presented massive and eloquent obsidian pillars which arched at their peaks. They were formed in rows close to the walls. Torches were mounted upon them at several levels to bring forth lumination. A gigantic moose statue laid claim at the crux. Near the end of the atrium was a sky-scraping alien-like tree that had violet heart shaped leaves. It was surrounded by a pool of water and other forms of plants. A violet orb sat within, suspended up a few feet by roots. Wisps of violet light created a mystical aura.

Sage was taken back and couldn’t believe what she was seeing, “Metal as fuck.”

Sean shared a kindred interest, “I’ve never seen anything like this.”

Thad was flabbergasted just like his friends, “Bro… This is fucking rad!”

Kent couldn’t help himself, but to be a smartass and made an announcement cone using his hands, “gayyyyyy! This is all you got? Torches? What is this? The 19th century?” They all looked at him rather puzzled, “just kidding, lit confirmed.” 

Kent’s entourage examined the intricate and ancient architecture as they traversed. Thad approached the statue and read its placard, “Zaldovar the Benevolent.”

“Who is Zaldovar?” Thad asked.

“Like I already said, be patient you fucking twat waffles. You will be properly informed when the time is right. Like Jesus fucking nailed on an upside-down cross Christ, really contemplating offering you four up for some human sacrifice or something.” 

Sage laughed playfully, “Don’t threaten us with a good time!”

Kent peered at their tour guide, “Yeah Slade, we’re all masochists here. Getting nailed on an upside-down cross is like our endgame in life for us.”

Thad patted Slade’s left shoulder, “yeah man, we live for pain and suffering.” He winked at him once their eyes met.

Sean bit his lip and likened into a seductive pose, “please don’t use lube.”

“I fucking hate you four already.”

Sean perked up his ass and wiggled it a bit, “oh Slade, don’t be a tease.” 

They all bursted into laughter and Slade had a face palm facial expression, “let’s just finish this shit.”

Sage was energetic, “whatever you say Daddy Slade!”

He snapped back, “Don’t call me Daddy!”

They continued onward and stopped at the water pool’s edge that was flourishing with its own ecosystem. Violet bioluminescent forms of life were dancing about the oasis. Enchanting and breathtaking like Keanu Reeves. Sage held out her right hand and a bioluminescent dragonfly landed upon it, “Oh my word, your beauty is astronomical.” 

The dragonfly took one of his front extremities and stroked its nether regions vigorously. It made derpy faces and she finally registered what the dragonfly was doing. She shook her hand to fling it off, “EW! Don’t do that on me you little pervert!”

 It fluttered away into the myriad of wanderlust, “I was about to say I have so much love for this place already, but apparently there is an infestation of perverted bioluminescent dragonflies.”

Slade quipped, “that’s what you get, you smartass.”

“Yeah yeah whatever.”

Finally reaching their destination, Slade spoke, “to commence this process you must place your hand on the orb of Dodren. I must warn you; these tests are no easy feat. It will be painful beyond imagining, but you are the chosen one of Mother Earth, so enduring this should be within your capabilities. 

“If you say so,” said Kent, uncertainty tinged his voice. Focus, I’ve got this. Like Sage always says, fear is the forbidden weakness; embrace the rage, and don’t become a mega cringe anime weeaboo.

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