Satirical fiction: Overpowered – Ch3 – Realm of Dodren

Overpowered – Phase One

by S. A. Ward

Chapter Three – Realm of Dodren

  Kent made his way through the shallow pool of water to the Orb of Dodren. He hesitated a moment before placing his hand upon it. Once he did, the chosen one was consumed by a shroud of darkness. No longer visible to his fellow comrades. The dwelling he now resided appeared to be a timeless void with only the orb in sight. Then, an ominous voice spoke from seemingly nowhere and everywhere. The orb of Dodren started to glow more intensely and a holographic-like humanoid appeared, “splendid, welcome human sacrifice 237/302. You are now soulbound to me and will endure an existence of eternal suffering as I feed off of your life force.” 

“What the fuck? I’ve been duped!? Come on!”

“Nah, I’m just pulling your heartstrings. My name is Viz. Extreme time stagnation is now a factor. One day in this realm is equal to one standard Earth minute,” Viz proclaimed. 

Kent let out a sigh of relief, “ahhh, sounds pretty similar to the hyperbolic time chamber in DBZ.” a thought then dawned on him, “Wait a second, what the fuck kind of Narnia bullshit is this?” 

 Viz was amused and smirked, “Nah, we are far away from that nut to butt debauchery.” He conjured a small stool and elevated his right leg on it, Captain Morgan style. A cynical smile contorted on his face, “in order to ascend, you must overcome the God Protocol Paradox called, ‘You better not be a Bitch’. For the first phase out of four, you have two options: Option one, you must crawl through a field of knives, be flayed alive after that, then crucified, and you will be stoned to death upon crucifixion, or you must binge watch…all four seasons of…Honey Boo Boo.”

 Cold fear surged and rippled through Kent’s spine, a cold more chilling than a witch’s titty. “Mother of God! Option two is unethical and without humanity! Crucify me! Flay me alive! Christ! Gouge my eyes out with a rusty spoon! Do anything else, please!” He said with reckless abandon over concern for his mental wellbeing. 

Who could blame him for taking that route. The stupidity of Honey Boo Boo was definitely on an omnicide level of post-apocalyptic mutated stage 4 cancer ultra-aids, sprinkled on top with syphilis and Staphylomyconecrosis. It belonged in the Land of Shit that went full retard, which everyone knows the governing rule. Honey Boo Boo was a Honey hell to the fuck No No.

“Wise choice, you don’t actually have to do option one, just testing the waters.”

 He sat on the stool and conjured one for Kent. After the chosen one took a seat Viz conjured a clipboard, “what gender do you identify as?”

Kent readjusted his glasses, “I identify as a cocaine unicorn.”

“Oooh I dig that, that’s most likely Billy Mays’ spirit animal. Does cocaine come out of your horn?”

“That is correct.”

“Good to know.”

Viz peered directly into Kent’s eyes, “What are your thoughts on extra virgin olive oil?”

He rolled his eyes, “It’s always perplexed me, like is it made from the fetus of an olive? Or are they extra virgin like a Catholic priest? Cause giving virgins religious social authority has gone so splendid, just as God intended ya know, with young boys being butt fucked under his righteous wing.” 

Viz spoke passionately over this dire social issue, “Exactly, think of the olives and the sexual frustration that they have been relentlessly tortured with. Think of the lost potential, it is heartbreaking I must say.”

Kent bowed his head, “Thoughts and Prayers.”

“What about pizza with banana slices as a topping?” 

Kent’s face blossomed with unbridled disgust, “pizza with what? That…is a crime against humanity.”

“Good, good, you speak the truth.”

Viz fastened his face with a holographic handlebar mustache and began to groom the left bar. “Do you prefer your pubes to be braided or not?”

Kent was pleased by a question of such great importance, “It depends how I’m feeling, but the majority of the time, also I’m I can speak for the dudes of humanity that we often prefer them to be braided.”

Viz groomed both handlebars of his mustache, “Marvelous, you are a true man in the flesh.”

Kent responded by conveying a modest bow of his head.

“Alright next one, what do you think of humanity’s mainstream music industry?” 

Kent pretended to vomit from disgust, “Should be completely abolished, I’d rather suck ten thousand dicks dry every day until I die than listen to the vast majority of that superficial, uncreative, soulless garbage solely produced for money.”

“But Cardi B’s music slaps so hard Kunt!”

He pretended to vomit again and became overtaken by fleeting rage, “I see what you did there and no it doesn’t. It is seething fecal matter, same with Nicki Minaj, Taylor Swift, Luke Bryan, Ariana Grande, and Kanye ‘is a gay fish’ West.”

Viz thus far was amused and swiped right on his clipboard, “do you believe in climate change?”

Kent evoked a soft grin followed by a reserved chuckle, “No, I’ve also had it with the sea and wildlife, such an ungrateful bunch if you ask me. I can’t believe they don’t appreciate the megatons of tires and trash being dumped into their ecosystem. That’s a lot of raw material just being given to them for free. If only they would pull themselves up by their bootstraps then they’d be making something out of it.”

Viz’s thoughts were mutual and couldn’t help, but to chuckle as well, “Couldn’t agree more, probably fucking commies.”

“Right!? Golden opportunities are right in front of them and are blind to them.”

“Your stance on guns?”

He couldn’t help, but to embrace his inner troll, “The public has no need for firearms, the US should follow suit with Australia who banned guns completely in 1996 after a horrific mass shooting. Our nation’s people are suffering needlessly. We must act with a sense of urgency in order to deter future occurrences. All we have to do is hand over our guns to the government and America will become safe again. Our government has our best interest at heart, and they would never try to turn on us like many thinks. It is time we start the #War-on-Guns”

Viz was flabbergasted and was a camel’s ass hair away from shooting Kent in the head, “Please say sike.”

Kent was sly and adamant with his response, “IGWT.”

Viz was still puzzled, “In God We Trust…?”

“No, in guns we trust.”

“Phew, you had me there for a second, I was honestly about to offer you up for some type of retarded sacrifice.”

“If you answer this next question wrong you will be thrown into the Gorge of Eternal Peril. What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen Earthling swallow?”

“What do you mean? An African or European swallow?”

“Remarkable, u no da wae.”

Viz got a bit giddy, “these last few are my favorites. What’s your view on religion?”

“Do you want a rant? Because that is how you get a rant.”

“You’re damn fucking right I do.”

“Very well then, I like to start off my day with saying, God if you are listening, remember to go fuck yourself.

Personally, if I was Jesus, I’d have turned my shit into gold, summoned a war forged Trex that had bass cannon speakers to drop some gnarly beats. I would’ve definitely trolled the fuck out of them, just start summoning random shit from the 21st century. He’s been running for a long time and if anything, Jesus is just a coward or he’s waiting until we’re more mature and rational or he may not know what he’s doing. He also wasn’t even dead for that long and gets to chill in heaven while we tear each other apart??? Come on man… Probably playing on his Playstation 9001 and Halo Infinite remastered edition six billion and forty-two or some shit, still living with his dad…

If I were to imagine God, I’d imagine divine energy; the unadulterated essence of love or perhaps a drunk flying spaghetti monster that boiled for our sins or a level 99 white mage that doesn’t give a shit. Not this All Divine, All Righteous, King of Kings, unadulterated pure and sacred, Holier than thou sky Daddy who is devoid of humor. Anyone that worships or claims to be of such nature I personally find to be repulsive and cringe. This idea of God claims indirectly he is our creator and will banish us to an Eternal Fiery Oblivion if we do not worship, obey, and repent in his “righteous” name and tell him his spoiled son is number one. Without any real concrete proof of his existence, dwelling in the clouds safe from suffering, watching us fap. It is fear mongering and limits human potential. ‘I am God, you will live your life the way I want you to or else you shall burn for an eternity,’ weird flex, but okay.”

Viz groomed his holographic chin, “Kinky, I heard the dude has a foot fetish too.”

Kent gave a casual nod, “I’ve been told he has a nano-penis.”

A violet holographic light bulb for a brief moment appeared above Viz’s head, “That would explain the grandiose desire to compensate.”

“The sense has been made.”

He leaned forward, planting his elbows onto his knees, “Believe me when I say this, God is real .. and his name is.. Sheldyn.. and he answers to a goldfish named Jeff.”

Kent mimicked Viz’s demeanor, “God.. is in the rain, my friend.”

Viz groomed his chin, “What do you think of American politics as a whole?”

“You definitely want rants; however I’m going to keep this short. There’s definitely a plague of pseudo enlightened hero complex social justice warrior cringe lords that have some superficial desire to save the world like some generic anime protagonist, but you have to admit, their aesthetic adds some serious spice to the mix. In the end though, as long as I get to do dope shit and hang with my favorite sentient beings, I don’t give a damn if the Earth is round, flat, square, or is a moldy pizza slice suspended in the vacuum of space. You could worship a squirrel God named Walnuts for all I care. Just don’t hurt people in the process or inflict oppression upon them, because once you cross that threshold that’s when we have a problem, unless they’re gnomes then do as you wish.”

“I always thought calling someone a libtard or a knuckle dragging orange orangutan was a good way to get an argument across, is my whole life a lie?”

“It’s only okay if you say no homo first.”

Viz started writing in his notepad, “That makes a ton of sense.”

Viz conjured a hologram joint and hit it, “what’s your favorite way to ingest cannabis?” 

He passed it to Kent, “I normally just inject myself with a four gram marijuana toke nug bong spliffer 20 times a day. It makes devouring new born babies so much more invigorating.”

Viz became elated over their relatable joy, “No way! Same here! My favorite are Lodexians, you’ve probably never heard of them, but their offspring are a God sent snack.”

Kent chuckled, “It’s either Vietnamese or North Korean for me. North Korean babies are to die for.”

“Hmm, I look forward to devouring them one of these days.”

Kent shifted to being serious, “Jokes aside, weed culture did and still at times has gotten pretty cringe. I smoke in grave moderation, but there’s so many folks who inflate its medicinal potential and image to where it’s this cure all substance. The War on Drugs was legislation of total incompetence. There’s no closing Pandora’s box, the substance is already out, which created a demand for it and bringing in prohibition doesn’t negate that demand nor human curiosity. The War on Drugs has left a lot of people to basically rot from ignorance due to the criminalization of various mind-altering substances rather than educating people about them. It’s torn apart families and ruined countless lives over plants and chemicals. It opened a market for crime organizations to capitalize and charge extortionate prices for substances that are often not what those outlets claim to be. There are no true reliable sources, so people take their chances, and all too often are subjected to severe side effects. Amounting to irreversible brain damage and to basically rot mentally. People don’t seek out the help they need, because of the possibility of being convicted for a crime or social stigmas attached to these substances that could have a negative impact on their social image. The War on Drugs has totally stifled sound and thorough research from being done. It has been a colossal failure and exploitation of the lost and vulnerable.”

“Oh my, the truth has been unveiled. Imagine what people from other worlds or future humans and past humans would think about something like getting caught with weed and landing individuals in prison.”

“Yeah it’s some full retard type shit.”

         “One last question, what are your thoughts on fearing the unknown?”

“To be fearful of the unknown only makes one more distant from understanding it, mind if I read a relevant passage from a letter my grandfather left me?”

“Go ahead, that is permitted.”

He pulled out the letter, unfolded it and sifted through it to find the desired section, “Do not be afraid, ever. Try to view life as one of your video games. Remember though, you do not have an abundance of lifes in this life, so cherish it, but do not become consumed by past tragedies or joys. Do not resist the future, it must be embraced for what it is. Learn to dance with truth, if death comes for you, despair not for he is a friend and most importantly, do not be a bitch about it. Death is nonnegotiable, our time is limited and the sooner we come to terms with that the better off we are. Never resort to hope, from the loss of all hope at times can bring about liberation, freedom. Hope is often perceived as a subjectively good emotion, but is actually an illusion, a coping mechanism of our brains and it leads to fear. Fear stifles understanding and growth. Fear creates a barrier in the pursuit of understanding. However, fear serves as a primal instrument to preserve an organism’s survival but can be an obstacle for beings like us. It can be a hindrance for understanding our existence’s fundamental truths, making vital decisions, and when it comes down to it, fear limits human potential. A major symptom of fear is doubt and is nothing short of a poison for the mind. It will eat away at an individual, internally hindering cognitive performance. In just about all forms of warfare fear is the primary psychological weapon that is used. It is critical to learn that to live in fear is a choice of our own and what we seek often resides beyond our fears. Don’t be an arrogant idiot and run into fatal danger, but just don’t let it control you and I think this quote will serve well, ‘He will win who knows when to fight and when not to fight.’ – Sun Tzu, The Art of War. No matter how detrimental something can be in life. If an individual can laugh at the horrors of life even when it could amount to their death, then they can liberate themselves from the fears that bind them. Fear is a living obstacle, It feeds off the living like a leech and I don’t think there is anything more satisfying in life than telling it to go fuck itself.’-“

“I like the attitude, what we fear is often an illusion of the mind conjured for survival. Doubt is a major symptom of fear, it is a poison and obstructs one from making crucial decisions. Dashing, phase one is complete. For the test in phase two you must place your hand in the chest of Xrodulian’s Volition and absorb its power. Take note, only suffering can bring salvation. It is the way of the Gods. You will see and feel unthinkable horrors. If you have the necessary resilience to ascend. Then you will be capable to move onward into the next phase and reap its rewards.”

         The chest of Xrodulian’s Volition appeared several feet away from him. Decorated in chains and a metallic skull that had ruby eyes on the top of its hatch. The chest opened as he approached it and Kent reached within, fear was absent. He was overcome with a searing pain that encompassed his entire body. Xrodulian’s Volition unleashed its wrath. It was as though knives were being pierced deep into his flesh. Kent trembled in pain and bellowed out a war cry. Enduring the torment and not backing down. His vision was flooded with demented and unspeakable horrors that had befallen to humans throughout history. Their screams and prayers for salvation were plunged deep into his auditory senses. He knew their pain and saw it clear as day. A vision of a naked Ron Jeremy flashed before him, nearly breaching his capacity for pain. The power of Xrodulian’s Volition was becoming imbued into his very being. Garnet energy danced on Kent’s body as it fused with his life force. An estimated two minutes lapsed, and it all came to a halt… the test was over. He removed his hand and tried to regain a grasp on reality. “That… was fucked up, holy fuck, never again.”

         “You have passed phase two with exceptional colors. You may now choose your six abilities out of the thirty-six. You may as well change your abilities freely when you are within the realm of Dodren.” A holographic light screen came into fruition in front of Kent, “select your abilities,” he read out loud.

• Belphegor’s embrace (Grant’s the ability to manipulate and conjure fire.)

• Mind of the Machina (Grant’s the knowledge to create advanced technology. All conjured items will disappear after 24 hours from the point of creation.)

• Space warp (Grant’s the ability to manipulate your position within space and time – 4 charges with each having a 30 second cooldown, [location must be within your sights or an area that you recently visited in the past hour.])

• Way of the outlaw (Grant’s exceptional expertise and the ability to conjure projectile machinery.)

o Billy Mays toolbox of the void (open the box if you dare, the unworthy do not fare well.)

• Touch of the Divine (Grant’s the ability to quickly mend and regenerate minor-severe injuries or ailments. Once the user surpasses five uses in a day they become progressively fatigued the more it is used.)

• The Shadow’s shroud (Grant’s the ability to meld into the dwelling of shadows, essentially allowing one to become invisible and that doesn’t leave a trace in their realm of origin, however taking damage of any sort will deactivate this.)

• Odin’s Will (Grant’s expertise skill for various one handed melee weapons.)

• Shapeshifter (Grant’s the ability to manipulate one’s own physical appearance.)

• Optical Mayonnaise (Grant’s the ability to manipulate reality to exude high velocity mayonnaise out of one’s eyes.)

• Gilgamesh’s Strength (Grant’s immense physical power.)

• Quake of the Titans (Grant’s the ability to unleash a monolithic sonic shockwave.)

• Kielbasa Hellstorm (Grant’s the ability to manipulate reality to where you can unleash a Hellstorm of Kielbasa Sausages.)

• Wings of the Valkyrie (Grant’s the ability of flight.)

• Call of Sonia (Grant’s the ability to manipulate vibrations and frequencies.)

• Summoning of the Renegade (Grant’s the ability to call upon Florida Man to aid you, if he so chooses.)

• Cthulhu’s Gaze (Grant’s the ability to induce madness within your enemies causing them to run away in fear.)

• Shaggy’s Force Punch (1 month cooldown.)

• Saurfang’s Might (Grant’s expertise for various two-handed melee weapons.)

o Aphrodite’s grace (Grant’s heightened physical mobility.)

• Anubis’s desolation barrage (Grant’s the ability to unleash a devastating barrage of energy.)

• Shackle the living (Grant’s the ability to physically snare the living around you, 20 yard radius.)

• Combo Breaker (to be combo breakered means that your adversary inflicts a monolithic amount of damage to you in an incredibly brief period in time, to where there is no opportunity for recovery or counter, and you become the living embodiment of F.U.B.A.R. In other words, your existence gets skull fucked into a revolving oblivion and you become agony personified, straight mental conflagration.)

• Kylo Ken’s nipple rings (Grant’s the ability to shoot lasers from your nipples when equipped.)

• Gandulf’s grimoire (gain gandulf’s grimoire that contains a wide selection of spells.)

• Squares of death (grant’s the ability to conjure black geometric squares of death from your fingertips that disintegrate any living being that has low resilience or deals medium damage to those that do.)

• Mr. Meeseeks box (obtain a Mr. Meeseeks box.)

• Master Chief’s wisdom (when used, the user gains immense tactical prowess.)

• Vegeta’s final atonement (ONLY USE AS A MEASURE OF LAST RESORT, YOU WILL DIE. When used the user will unleash a massive nova of energy, killing all beings in a 5 mile radius.)

• Pyramid Head’s allegiance (Allows the user to summon Pyramid Head.)

• The Joker’s Chaos (use your imagination when utilizing.)

• Pokeball (gain a pokeball that can capture weakened enemies.)

• Aztec Death Whistle (This item emits a chilling wail, it sounds like the pits of hell and causes those in a 20 yard radius to run in terror.)

         “So many of these abilities are dope and hilarious. I can’t wait to experiment with them all. I had to take up space warp, Billy Mays toolbox of the void, and most importantly, optical mayonnaise.”

“Let’s get you in some armor, have any preferences?” 

Kent became elated and couldn’t contain his excitement, “Yes! The leather Tier 2 Crimson fang set for rogues from World of Wargames. That would be a dream come true!” Viz shot off some finger guns, “Say no more fam.”

         A fitted armor set appeared, it was primarily black and had a crimson trim. Two sharp fang-like spikes protruded from the shoulder pauldrons and waned backwards. Only one’s eyes could be seen through the hood. Near the back of it resided a curved spike. It had an eye pleasing variance of grim cosmetic artistry etched into the design of every set piece.

Kent dashed over to it and ecstatic was an understatement. He was like an American family who were held hostage and forced to fast for three days straight. Then on the third day were taken to a buffet hosted by Gordon Ramsay, “Nerrmerrgedd, it is sublime…”

         As Kent was equipping his armor Viz posed another question, “Would you like to test your new abilities in a simulation?”

“Is that even a question? Cause fuck yes, I would. Can I choose my own enemies?”

“Yes, that is applicable.” 

A look of adrenalized malice swept over Kent’s face, “Make them gnomes… and play the song called Denied by Sonic Syndicate.”

“Roger that Kent, commencing phase three.”

         Denied by Sonic Syndicate, proceeded to play. The area around him transformed into a Roman gladiator style arena. He found himself at its center and surrounded by seven battle-worn gnomes. Kent called forth two assassin’s blades then immediately space warped behind one that he executed with a swift horizontal strike across the neck. Blood spouted upward like a geyser from the headless body and collapsed, still spraying where it laid. His deep-seated desire for a scenario such as this was beyond surreal. Glory of real time combat and to inflict this upon gnomes invigorated him like God finishing his grand design then putting it all into motion, unravelling detail by detail. Laying aside his omnipotence and diving into the ultimate reality. He used his next space warp charge in a similar fashion, ending another one with a vertical slash. The body stood motionless for a moment and separated into two halves. The innards and fluids fell all around making a sloshing sound like fresh mac&cheese. Without wasting a single second, he darted to his third target whom he cheap shotted and bear hugged. Followed by space warping this gnome along with him 30 feet in the air. Kent space warped back down to the ground and eviscerated him midair. Blood showered onto him and continued to fuel his bloodlust. His blows were lethal, like the world’s sharpest blade slicing into a care bear. The remaining four gnomes tried to close in on him. They swung their weapons in rapid succession and missed as he adroitly dodged the attacks. In this instance as he ducked one grazed his hair with a miniature broadsword. Strands fell to the arena floor.

         They tried to corner him against a wall. He utilized his Shadow’s shroud ability to go invisible and made a grand escape between two of them. The gnomes stammered around in search of him but did so in vain. Kent emerged from the enveloping shadows. He had shurikens in hand and ended the existence of two more with direct hits to their craniums. Both gnomes became airborne from the momentum and landed on their backs. The two left tried to converge on him, but he went invisible once again. Kent reappeared behind his next target which he bear hugged and teleported a hundred feet in the air. He delivered a devastating gravity plummet kick making him descend to his death right in front of the seventh gnome. Dust plumed upward from the impact. It caused a haze to arise between him and the final gnome. He walked towards the lone survivor and had a sinister look in his eyes, “It’s about to get spicy.” He let out a rallying cry then unleashed copious amounts of high velocity mayonnaise from his eyes. This final gnome was slammed against the Coliseum wall, resulting in his demise.

         The simulation came to an end and Viz spoke, “That was an exemplary performance, you have the grace of a Iight speed dumpster fire. The difficulty level was even at 7/10 you’re a natural.”

“That was enticing years of training, playing Godcraft, and WoW pvp strategically has finally paid off. I’ve been told to inquire into something. Is there a way we could transmute these other abilities into objects, so that my friends can utilize them?” 

“Stupendous question, you are asking the right ones. This will require three quests you must fulfill. Firstly, you must obtain the satchel of Xovin. It holds powerful artifacts ranging from rings, trinkets, and necklaces and is within the Labyrinth of Rolaven, which resides within the realm of Vendrok. Once complete you then must go into The Forest of Anguish and trek on the Temple of Curdling. You will meet Leldrot Swisso, defeat him and obtain the Fragments of Dret, they will empower the artifacts. There will come a price, so your friends are able to use these items and they can only use three at a time max.”

“What’s the price..?” Kent asked.

“After you acquire the needed items from the first two quests. For the third quest, your friends must receive my blessing. You and them must binge watch season one of .. Jersey Shore..”

         Kent’s heart sunk with grave unease for the risk that he may lose his close friends and all sense of reality. It’s like a mountain constructed entirely out of Kanye West’s ego weighed down on his chest. A task forged by the Gods of Olympus. No one should be faced with something like this.  “That is quite the feat… a strong chance we could potentially lose all our sanity and will to live.. but if it must be done, I believe we have the capacity to overcome it.”

“Excellent, I look forward to your collective  suffering. It will please me very much.”

“Calm down Satan.. That’s just cruel.. and I have to go through a labyrinth..?”

“Nevaaa and yes, that’s if you’d like to upgrade your squad. You’re going to need them for your life quest. Trust me you’re going to love the labyrinth. Also take this origination crystal to get back here.” A sapphire crystal appeared in front of Kent. He took hold of it and slipped it into his pocket. 

“The language Rengrish, known to your species as English is spoken by the vast majority you will encounter.”

He gave a nod, “Alright Daddy Viz, I’m ready.”

“Good luck Kunt..”

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