Satirical fiction: Overpowered – Ch5 – Trekking upon the Temple of Curdling

Overpowered – Phase One

by S. A. Ward

Chapter Five – Trekking upon the Temple of Curdling

 Once again, he warped high above to get a bird’s eye view of the forest, but all he saw was a landscape as vast as Jay Leno’s chin. Don’t see anything worthwhile, I should probably stick to Tobizca’s advice. 

         The next phase of his quest commenced. Blood red sap secreted from the trees. Dripping and seeping onto all surfaces. A maddening chatter evoked from all directions. Voices of the infernal daunted any foreign being’s mental fortitude who trekked through this abysmal dwelling. Clutched by a feeling of being watched loomed on him. The trees here are otherworldly, literally. They are damn nearly the size of the sequoias in California, if not bigger and way grimmer. The branches were horrifying and ominous. Like the mind-bending claws of a velociraptor tearing and ripping into the carcass of Little Foot as Ducky remained frozen from onlooking terror within a hollowed log, dangling onto the frail chance of not being discovered.

         Kent reached the three brick roads, left was blue, middle was black, and the right was yellow. Onward down the yellow brick road he continued into this Wizard of Oz bullshittery. Twenty minutes passed; he came upon a raggedy bridge over a deep ravine. A shrill voice spoke that was directed towards Kent, “Hey green eyes, over here.” He looked around, but failed to align where it was coming from, “no over here, on the branch to your left.” An abnormal sized jet-black butterfly entered his field of vision. He had a mini cigar in his mouth and was decked out in a white bow tie, tailored vest, and a top hat that had an hourglass on it. “Greetings adventurer, my name is Fibdo, what query do you have within the Forest of Anguish?”

“I am the chosen one of Mother Earth, on a quest to obtain the Fragments of Dret from Leldrot Swisso.”

“Fascinating, you’re from an alternate dimension. It has been ages since I’ve seen a human. The path you walk upon is one of unbridled danger and the road you have chosen will take you there.” He fluttered his wings and continued on, “tell me a funny story and I shall grant you passage. If you fail, I’ll cast you off into the Maelstrom of Despair.”

         “Alright, sounds fair.” He thought for a moment and a light bulb expression became sowed across his face. “I’ve got it, there was a time I visited my Aunt Shannon in Wellington Florida and this incident actually got made into a news article. On a brisk Monday morning we went to a Wholefoods, which is a natural and organic supermarket. Seventeen Florida men had the idea to team up and purchased authentic samurai costumes then crusaded through this Whole Foods to play fruit ninja with eighteen-inch black dildos. Initially only two started this escapade, unrelentingly hacking and donging their way through the produce section. Fully unleashing their black eighteen inches of pain and discord. The confusion levels of the onlookers were palpable and out of the blue fifteen more eighteen-inch black dildo strapped samurai charged in to plunder the remaining produce. Shortly after obliterating the produce, they turned onto each other. Dong slapping one another in a wicked frenzy. The store’s Staff manager Kevin James tried to take control of the situation, but he got donged. He wound up groveling on the floor in the fetal position as they schlong slapped him into oblivion. (Fibdo seems to be enjoying this story, he has a playful smile and has chuckled several times already.) A news outlet interviewed him too, this is what I recollect that he said, ‘Nothing in my life prepared me for such a moment. The demoralization of their massive wieldable dongs has become burned into my mind and memories.. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be the same..’ he started crying and continued on, ‘I’m sorry, this is just really hard for me to talk about. They came out of nowhere .. we weren’t prepared… WE WEREN’T PREPARED!’ Then he started to sob uncontrollably. After that they were unable to get another word from Kevin. From what I was told he started seeing a talk therapist immediately the next day to mend his scarred mind. Amidst it all I had no idea what the fuck was happening, but it was fucking awesome. I truly love late capitalism. The cherry on top, all seventeen Florida Men managed to evade being detained, leaving an unappealing site for the employees to clean up. So yeah, that was my welcome to Florida.”

         Fibdo couldn’t contain his joyous laughter any longer and let it all out, “That.. was a hilarious and majestic tale. That.. is one for the books, seeing that must have been surreal. You may continue onward with my blessing. Just know that the road you walk is one entrenched in Death.”

“Thank you Fibdo, I am honored and have an idea of what lies ahead. I refuse to allow fear to stand between me and my quest.”

“Exquisite, however, take note, with my blessing the creatures here will not bring harm to you. Leldrot and his followers are a different story. They will give it no second thought to make you suffer an abhorrent existence.”

“Copy that, thanks for the tip and conversation. I must carry on, farewell Fibdo.”

“Goodbye foreign one, may you dance upon the corpses of your enemies.”

         Kent nodded amused; he pushed forward across the raggedy bridge. It swayed side to side, had gaps where boards once were and would give just about anybody else a panic attack. At the halfway point lightning fractured the sky and a booming wave of thunder trembled the ground. A board gave way like the hopes and dreams of third world African children who resort to eating literal mud pies sweetened with flowers. Kent managed to catch himself by grabbing onto the rope railings. He reached the end of it unscathed and after walking for about ten minutes he stumbled on a sign that said, *turn back, death awaits you ahead. * I must be getting close, how exciting.  

         Around a bend in the road lit torches became visible and were placed along its margins. I best activate Shadows Shroud, don’t want to run the risk of ruining my element of surprise. He prowled in the dwelling of shadows, a night fiend and lurker of the unknown. Oooh, is that a castle? This has to be the Temple of Curdling. It was surrounded by a moat of molten cheese, gurgling and blistering. The soaring walls barricaded as a second line of defense. Banners were draped on the walls, and they had an emblem on them. The emblem showcased a wheel of cheese protruding from a cauldron and was oozing over the rims. Atop the watchtowers were triangular cut statues of cheese and the cathedral had a goliath cheese wheel mounted on it. Guards were stationed at all the towers and incrementally patrolled the walls. Kent remained invisible and analyzed the premise, while concealed further by the bushes of unknowable treachery. He finished his calculations and space warped onto the Cathedral’s roof. Then reactivated the Shadow’s Shroud and waited for his next opportunity. Once the coast was clear he warped to the ground in an area of darkness and reactivated the Shadow’s Shroud.

         Kent embraced a state of subtlety and stealth. Evading several patrolling guard units and henchmen in a decorative courtyard as he made his way to the promising Cathedral. A duo of guards came out of the Cathedral and while the door was still ajar, he managed to slip inside unnoticed. Banners with the Temple of Curdling emblem were wilted along the walls. Sculpted cheese statues of past leaders were aligned next to massive pillars. A nauseating aroma of various cheeses filled the area. In the distance he spotted an altar that had a translucent cover encasing something. On each side were two fondue fountains and behind it was a staircase leading to an entrancing crystal door. 

         It appeared he was the only one in this Cathedral’s vicinity, but even so, he didn’t deactivate his shadows shroud ability. He transversed towards the altar. Within it was the Fragments of Dret, resembling the bleakest onyx and radiating with power. This definitely has to be the Fragments of Dret, there’s no doubt about it. Kind of nonsensical how it is out in the open for the taking like this. Kent lifted the casing and as fast as a mantis shrimp can punch a small fish into demised oblivion, he became entrapped by a golden force field. He pressed his hands against it and tried to space warp out, but it was futile. His next move was to stow these fragments in the Satchel of Xovin, but it’s casing now wouldn’t budge even an inch. He stood dismayed over falling into the now obvious trap. Like an individual whose dachshund became roadkill amidst an early morning then just finished a hard day’s work and wound up stuck in their apartment complex’s faulty elevator for several hours. Like a lab rat in a panicked frenzy looking for a way to escape, hoping for solace to wash over their very being. Yearning for the veracious light to grace the existence of suffering they were goose stepped into, so they could live a life that was tranquil and elated with freedom. A life enchanted with wonder and abundant in cheese but were damned and sorrowfully entombed in the eternal onslaught of impending doom. When all they deeply desired was for The Brain .. to notice them.. “Fuck… how did I not see that coming.” 

         Kent thought to himself, why do I hear boss music? It was like bellowing war drums singing for death, Lorna Shore – Immortal. The entrancing crystal door burst open causing a gust of air to swoosh outward from it. A gleaming humanoid figure fashioned with a grand claymore on his back, hardened Pule armor, and a cheese wheel like helmet that overall had a malicious aesthetic walked forward, “I’ve been expecting you .. and you fell right into my trap.” His voice had bass and was smug like a feudal French Lord annoyed by the opinions of peasants. “I require the Fragments of Dret, allow me to leave or endure the consequences.”

 “Consequences? That’s laughable, kneel before my grand might and I may let you live.”

“That’s laughable, I should say the same to you. Dude.. you’re literally made out of cheese.”

Leldrot scoffed, “Such inferiority, hate is truth, darkness is absolute, and cheese is divine. You know nothing of true power, you’re bacteria in comparison and you stand before a God. Kneel before me or face my cheese encrusted wrath.”

“Yeahhhh, I’m good on that. From my analysis you’re a little bitch.”

         “Insolent brat!” Leldrot summoned five string cheese Vindicators and they appeared 30 feet from his location. 

They were equipped with hardened muenster spears and armor. “String cheese Vindicators, dispose of this conniving pestilence.” The golden force field caging Kent dissipated. The Vindicators charged at him and had hallowed murder in their eyes. He conjured two assassin’s blades and space warped in the center of their formation. His first action was to swing low on two of them. Their legs became severed and began to ooze cheese from the wounds. Another lunged at him, but he dodged the strike and knocked him off balance with a leg sweep causing the vindicator to stumble. Kent followed up by executing him and chopped off his head. Kent space warped behind one of the remaining two, ending him with a double horizontal fluid strike across his neck. The final was amidst a strike and our boy finished the final vindicator by impaling him through his chin. 

         “You are stronger than I expected. No matter, you are a complete and utter fool if you think you can defeat me. I hold within me power that is beyond your comprehension, someday I will be God.” Something grasped his attention, an instant of realization, “What is this? Xrodulian’s Volition is imbued to your soul? How quaint for you to bring it to my doorstep, more power for my arsenal.”

         “Good luck, the prerequisite to acquire it is you can’t be a little bitch and that you have already failed.”

         “Enslaving you after I strip you of your powers will bring me immense joy.”

         Leldrot lunged and did a vertical downward powerstrike. Kent made an X with his weapons to stammer it. They unlocked their blades by pushing it to the side. His foe countered and went for a horizontal strike. Kent parried this attack and used the force to maneuver backwards. They walked in a circular standoff, eyeing each other down. “There can only be one, that walks away from this fray.” Said Leldrot.

         He lunged in, their weapons danced in an exchange of strikes and posed to be of parallel power. The chosen one performed a feint and wack tick, it failed to play out, but came close to grazing his adversary’s eyes. Leldrot started to toy with him by holding his weapon in front of himself and not making any effort to land a strike. Pure effortless defense in an attempt to demoralize him. Kent unleashed a flurry of strikes and adroit kicks, but his foe deflected them like a chick on social media fending off and blocking thirsty dudes in her DMs that bombarded her with unsolicited clam hammers and one-eyed yogurt slingers. Longing for the day that one will engage her in genuine conversation and not solely think with their genitalia. An anomaly of paradoxes hidden within the intransigent force. 

         Kent space warped behind him and tried to deliver a diagonal strike, but Leldrot acted swiftly and blocked it. Optical mayonnaise directed at his legs was his next move. Leldrot became stagnated by it and received a kick to his head. He became enraged and persevered to break free. Kent used the last three space warp charges in quick succession, appearing to his side, from above and once again behind, all were deflected. When he came out of the last space warp Leldrot charged. Predicting his next location and shoulder bashed him making Kent fall to the ground. The direct hit dazed him a little but managed to recover with haste and utilized the shadows shroud to conceal himself. This guy is a lot more powerful than I foresaw. I’m going to have to take it up several notches.

         “Take your dose of truth! The vast majority of humanity are just contemporary slaves, socially conditioned to work the cogs of your elites cold unforgiving societal machine! A number, relative to sheep and highly expendable! Lies are all you know!” 

Let’s give these shuriken a go first. Kent decided to give range weaponry a try. He lurked partially in the dwelling of shadows, only elevating his right arm and head through the darkness portal. Being as agile as possible he threw a shuriken, but Leldrot caught it in mid air and wasn’t even facing its direction. He returned to the shadows. “How pathetic, is this the best Mother Earth has to offer? I am going to take such great pleasure when I visit her. It will be an easy feat to conquer. With this quarrel I am certain of it.”

         Fuck… that was actually pretty pathetic. I may be in over my head, Imma still talk some shit though. He remained in the dwelling of shadows, “Yeaahh well, I don’t think you’re much different from us. Like look at you, it is blatant and obvious that you’re compensating for something. Don’t hate just because you can’t compensate.” Kent thought to himself, “Fuck it, I suppose my corpse will just be a steppingstone for the next guy.” 

The chosen one may have entered into this encounter prematurely. The cheese may very well be too strong in this one. Still within the dwelling of shadow he tried for an ambush strike. Leldrot sensed his presence and landed a bone crushing kick to Kent’s chest. This launched him into a cheese statue that crumbled on impact. He spat out chunks from it which made him express disgust due to the taste. There was a ringing in his right ear. A mixture of his body’s crimson sap and bad queso dominated his other senses, ever so dazed and confused. Heavy damage had been inflicted upon him. He was like a forgotten star, no longer capable of its purpose. Broken, drained, time had arrived, and it was payday. Perhaps, Kent wasn’t worthy to bring solace to the calamitous equilibrium. Perhaps this could be the end of his cycle and the Earth will be forsaken, leaving it to wither and rot, death and decay, total entropy. Perhaps his tale was one of terrible purpose, opening the gateway to bring further devastation upon humanity, death… by cheese Gods. It was said that he had an ultimate purpose. To die by the hands of a Cheesian and to deliver the power of Xrodulian’s Volition. It would be heartwarming for him to walk out of here victorious, but this was a different kind of story. Kent coughed up blood and raised himself onto his feet to undertake a valiant last stand. This dawned on him, Am I really about to lose this fight? My failure here could bring damnation onto Earth or something totally gay like every cliche anime. Derp derp derp, guyyyyys it’s my turn to save the world. This definitely has been a prominent training check. Another thought dawned on him, wait a second, I still haven’t used Billy Mays toolbox of the void. Hopefully something useful is in there, if not, I’m totally fucked.

         “I am going to savor the moment when you beg for the pain to stop. Little did you know, this isn’t even my final form! Not like I need to use it, but I will enjoy doing so, because you pissed me off and I long to see that sweet sweet fear in your eyes.” He started meta morphing into a deformed and demonic cheese behemoth that had six legs, a nefarious spiked tail, and massing strands of tendrils that posed to be hair or were perhaps other appendages. The ground heaved with every stride this monstrosity took. Death was knocking and wanted to play.  Leldrot manipulated the fondue cheese from a nearby fountain. This caused it to pool at his facial orifice and shot a solid beam of it at Kent. He countered it with optical mayonnaise. They became bound in a stalemate consisting of their cheesy and spicy goodness. At the point of collision both delicious condiments sprayed outward. The upperhand shifted between these two then imploded in on itself from the raw power. Kent’s mayonnaise chakra became exhausted. Leldrot barraged his tendrils at him. He space warped to a safe distance and used the shadow’s shroud. In a demonic and distorted tone Leldrot spoke, “Just give up, accept what you cannot achieve.”

Fuck it, I’m going to use the Billy Mays tool box of the void. If I’m not worthy then I’m fucked. “Oh great Billy Mays, I call upon thee. Bestow thine with your righteous fury so that I mayeth vanquish this disgracefuleth mega cringe weeb.”

         Billy Mays’ essence manifested beside Kent, “Billy Mays here with a onetime exclusive and legendary product! I present to you! The Cheese Grater of Ten Thousand Shreds! This weapon of the divine can grate like a freight! Cheddar, provolone, american, pule or muenster it doesn’t matter! Any cheese filled dream; with this weapon you will reign supreme! It also comes with a cocaine stash hatch in the hilt!” The embodiment of Billy Mays imparted to Kent with the Cheese Grater of Ten Thousand Shreds, worthy, he was.

         This armament was feared by all Cheesians. Several hundred years ago in this realm it brought the downfall of their tyrant King, Relidova Cheddosias. It was thought to have been lost.. but was actually within Billy Mays toolbox of the void and now it had been summoned once again…. Billy Mays and a handful of other humans were the first of our species to come to this realm with the usage of passage shards left by Zaldovar. He and the blacksmiths of Hexyiv worked together to create a fabled weapon. One that would endow its wielder to destroy the tyrannical Cheesian King. The former possessor was Odemin Kotrek, Knight of Sardonia. He and Relidova both perished in their epic battle against one another. Catapulting an era of fractured kingdoms.

         “Nooo! It can’t be! Not the Cheese Grater of Ten Thousand Shreds!” 

       “Time to cut the cheese.. Leldrot .. You’re not prepared!”

         “Annoying pest, you still shall be eradicated!”

         “Bitch I am the chosen one! No God in existence can restrain me from completely fucking destroying you! I have the power!” He raised the weapon, a mythical yellow aura radiated and circulated from The Cheese Grater of Ten Thousand Shreds. Granting him newfound strength and mending his battered body. Also, yes Kent did get carried by this legendary artifact, but who gives a shit he was fighting sentient cheese. He shifted the weapon in his enemy’s direction and began to drain Ledrot’s life force. He howled in agony and dismay. This made him transform back to his original form and was now much weaker. 

         “This can’t be real! This has to be a nightmare simulation of some sort! How is this possible!?” Fear was now grappling across Ledrot. He knew full well what resided on the event horizon. Like a kidnapped blind person being pranked by their friends who placed braille saying, “do not touch, danger: high voltage, can inflict death, get ready to suck dick,” and a slew of other heart pounding disclaimers throughout a room this individual currently inhabited. Leaving him to suffocate from the fear of the unknown, that which was magnified by uncharted darkness. Vulnerable and hanging upon a whim of the architects. “Please spare me!” Scratch that, the figurative blind man isn’t a sniveling little bitch that begs for mercy.

         “How pathetic, it turns out you’re a fool! Today, I am God’s Pendulum and your existence.. shall fade away into the abyss.. insignificant and without redemption. It is time for you to accept what you could not achieve.”

         Kent charged and executed a vertical downward power strike. Leldrot struggled to raise his weapon horizontally in guard position and it shattered on contact with the Cheese Grater of Ten Thousand Shreds. This bypassed his defenses and landed the killing blow right into Leldrot’s skull. He stood for a moment, lifeless and fell over. Today justice had been served with gum and ejected the last box of capri sun.

         The clear housing containing the Fragments faded into dust. Kent stowed them in the Satchel of Xovin and used his origination crystal to return. 

The celestial hologram Viz appeared ecstatic,

“Extravagantly wonderful, you did it! That was the last phase.”

Kent had his head angled downward in astonishment, “Bruh.. Tobizca is a fellow gnome slayer..”

“See! I told you’d love it. I assume you also crossed paths with Sihhh.”

He took a seat on a nearby conjured couch,

“Yeah, he was a fine chap, had damn fine good weed. Definitely going to be visiting him in the future. Fibdo was a decent fellow too and Leldrot was the King of cringe. Another cuck who only desires superficial power. I put him in his fucking place, however I almost lost. The contents of Billy Mays toolbox of the void saved my ass, training is definitely in order.”

“It’s about damn time someone did and I’m glad you made it back in one piece. We’ll get you up to speed and having your friends to aid you will help a lot.”

“How much time is left until the nukes reach their destinations?”

“Six Earth minutes, this will be good for humanity, all will make sense soon.”

Kent stood and went towards the Orb of Dodren to exit this plane, “If you insist, I’ll be returning to Earth now to see what awaits.”

         He exited the realm of Dodren and everyone except Slade was surprised by how quickly it took, “I’ll explain later, we need to gander at something. One of my new abilities is Teleportation, hold onto me, we’re going to the surface.”

 Thad expressed his excitement and was already in a state of celebration, “Fuck yes!” 

It wouldn’t allow him to space warp due to not having this ability at the time, Kent grew frustrated, “damn it, it won’t allow me to. We have to take the elevator.” He space warped to the entrance of it, “come on we have to hurry!” They all ran and filed into it. During the ride up he went on to say, “The realm of Dodren and Vendrok has extreme time stagnation. One day in those realms is equivalent to one minute on Earth. I completed all four phase tests, so you guys will be able to use enchanted rings, trinkets, necklaces, and other items, but first you have to get Viz’s blessing.”

Sage was thrilled with the news and posed a question, “What do we need to do!?”

He looked at all of them with hollowed sorrow, “We have to binge watch season one .. of Jersey Shore…”

Sage shrieked, “We have to do what!?”

“No! God! No god please no! No! No! Noooo!” Said Sean cowering in fear for what laid ahead.

Thad gasped and was dumbfounded, “W.. What…?” 

         Kent tried to comfort them, weighing in full the emotional toll this must hold. It’s like if a college student went to Taco Bell during the dead of winter… The drive thru was too long, so he went inside for his large group order…. on the way out he slipped on some black ice…. catapulting all the drinks and his scrumptious nourishment… right into his face… it’s a scenario that would make you question whether or not there is a God. “We’ll get through it together; we can’t let this test be what stops us! We’re resilient and will arise gloriously, stronger than we ever have been before!” 

Slade scoffed, “It can’t be that bad.”

Sage cried out, “You know not what you speak!”

         The elevator door parted open, and without hesitation they rushed to get outside. Their steps clanked as they ran across the metallic flooring. The nukes’ detonation trembled through the Earth like a mountain of decimation and shortly after they were outdoors a wave of blue ethereal energy washed over the entire Globe…

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